Warning: this is a long, text-heavy post. If you’re not up for it, I totally understand.
As most bloggers know, not every single thing makes the blog. On the whole, I try to keep the tone of my blog pretty upbeat because one of the reasons I started a blog was to find something good in each day. I was in a dark place, and my blog has helped me find my way out. Sometimes, as I’m sure is clear to some of you, it’s forced, but I feel like it’s important to make that effort.
So rather than glossing over things, I’m just going to be completely real today. Up until this point, I chose not to address it on the blog because, well, things I wrote here got me into trouble in the first place.
This week, I have been in a horrible fight with one of my closest friends, and by extension other close friends, because of things I wrote about here. When I wrote them, I was thinking about my feelings and not theirs. My intent was never to hurt anyone, simply just to vent about how I was feeling. Unfortunately, it was taken very personally, and I regret that.
My oldest friend is at the crux of this and I hurt her the most. I truly would never hurt her on purpose, and I think she knows that. She has been there for me in so many incredible ways over the years and for that, I am grateful. While we’ve grown apart, her friendship is still extremely important to me. We have worked through things and seem to be on the path towards healing, but things are going to be strained for a bit. I understand that it just has to be this way for now, but this week has been anything but easy.
Remember that new job that I just started, too? Oh, yes. It’s been a seriously stressful and difficult week.
The hard part is, I’m set to go on a bachelorette weekend with these friends tomorrow morning. Even though my friend has told me that we have a clean slate and that we’re going to move forward, I have a lot of anxiety about how I’m going to be received by everyone else. I have apologized and talked to the girls I’m closest to and I think we’ve cleared the air, but I still have this awful feeling that I’m about to be burned at the stake. I want to go and celebrate with my friend because she deserves this happiness SO much, but when I think about going this weekend I get really anxious.
This is a familiar feeling—it takes me right back to the worst of my PTSD. I almost never talk about it, but part of the reason I got into that place is that I kept my feelings inside all the time. When I would share them (mostly in romantic relationships), I was told they were wrong and was rejected because of them. Conditioned by experience, I began to keep my feelings to myself for fear of what might happen if I shared (ie., someone would leave me and I would be alone yet again). I felt so horribly about myself because I thought my feelings were wrong.
My progress on this front has been hard-fought, but worth it. Blogging has been incredibly helpful to me on this path to healing. I am finally at a place where I feel comfortable with myself and with my feelings. And I own them. This is who I am. This is how I feel. I know that real friends who care about me will accept that and accept me.
I am not a horrible person, just one who acknowledges and owns her feelings. My intent is never malicious—I’m not trying to be mean or hurtful ever, but I know I can’t control how people receive or react to me.
I can, however, sincerely apologize and hope to move forward.
And with that, that’s exactly what I plan to do. I have no control over what people say, think, or feel about me. But I know inside that I am a good person—an often inappropriate and outspoken one—but good. My heart’s in the right place. I will go this weekend and celebrate my friend the way she deserves to be celebrated with the hope that everyone else will focus on her and her happiness, too.
Because that’s what friends do, right?