That’s What Friends Do, Right?

Warning: this is a long, text-heavy post. If you’re not up for it, I totally understand.

As most bloggers know, not every single thing makes the blog. On the whole, I try to keep the tone of my blog pretty upbeat because one of the reasons I started a blog was to find something good in each day. I was in a dark place, and my blog has helped me find my way out. Sometimes, as I’m sure is clear to some of you, it’s forced, but I feel like it’s important to make that effort.

On the other hand, I’ve also written about things I’m struggling with like flaws and soft spots, like hope and especially feelings, and I think I’ve come a very long way.

So rather than glossing over things, I’m just going to be completely real today. Up until this point, I chose not to address it on the blog because, well, things I wrote here got me into trouble in the first place.

This week, I have been in a horrible fight with one of my closest friends, and by extension other close friends, because of things I wrote about here. When I wrote them, I was thinking about my feelings and not theirs. My intent was never to hurt anyone, simply just to vent about how I was feeling. Unfortunately, it was taken very personally, and I regret that.

My oldest friend is at the crux of this and I hurt her the most. I truly would never hurt her on purpose, and I think she knows that. She has been there for me in so many incredible ways over the years and for that, I am grateful. While we’ve grown apart, her friendship is still extremely important to me. We have worked through things and seem to be on the path towards healing, but things are going to be strained for a bit. I understand that it just has to be this way for now, but this week has been anything but easy.

Remember that new job that I just started, too? Oh, yes. It’s been a seriously stressful and difficult week.

The hard part is, I’m set to go on a bachelorette weekend with these friends tomorrow morning. Even though my friend has told me that we have a clean slate and that we’re going to move forward, I have a lot of anxiety about how I’m going to be received by everyone else. I have apologized and talked to the girls I’m closest to and I think we’ve cleared the air, but I still have this awful feeling that I’m about to be burned at the stake. I want to go and celebrate with my friend because she deserves this happiness SO much, but when I think about going this weekend I get really anxious.

This is a familiar feeling—it takes me right back to the worst of my PTSD. I almost never talk about it, but part of the reason I got into that place is that I kept my feelings inside all the time. When I would share them (mostly in romantic relationships), I was told they were wrong and was rejected because of them. Conditioned by experience, I began to keep my feelings to myself for fear of what might happen if I shared (ie., someone would leave me and I would be alone yet again). I felt so horribly about myself because I thought my feelings were wrong.

My progress on this front has been hard-fought, but worth it. Blogging has been incredibly helpful to me on this path to healing. I am finally at a place where I feel comfortable with myself and with my feelings. And I own them. This is who I am. This is how I feel. I know that real friends who care about me will accept that and accept me.

I am not a horrible person, just one who acknowledges and owns her feelings. My intent is never malicious—I’m not trying to be mean or hurtful ever, but I know I can’t control how people receive or react to me.

I can, however, sincerely apologize and hope to move forward.

And with that, that’s exactly what I plan to do. I have no control over what people say, think, or feel about me. But I know inside that I am a good person—an often inappropriate and outspoken one—but good. My heart’s in the right place. I will go this weekend and celebrate my friend the way she deserves to be celebrated with the hope that everyone else will focus on her and her happiness, too.

Because that’s what friends do, right?

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “That’s What Friends Do, Right?

  1. ❤ you will be fine! and if you aren't, just know that you went into it with the best of intentions. i've found MANY times that i've stopped from writing blog posts because of what someone *may* read and *may* take out of context and it really bugs me because sometimes, like you, i just need to vent. i respect you for being able to be so open about your feelings. keep your chin up, friend!

  2. Everything will be okay!! I have yet to vent about anyone in my life on my blog, though I’m not too sure if it will stay the same in the future. But I don’t know what’s stopping me since no one I personally know, knows I have a blog at the moment. But just remember this: Everyone vents with their friends in the real world, but you’re doing it with your friends in the blog world. Plus, I’m assuming most people in the blog world don’t know your friends personally and if I remember correctly never really give out names when you vent about them. Yeah, they’ll get mad at first but once you talk it through, they should forgive you as true friends should. Have fun this weekend and focus on your friend that’s getting married!! 🙂

  3. I think you should be able to tell your friends anything. The ones who accept that crap that comes out of your mouth and don’t judge you for your feelings (because you can’t help how you feel) are the ones worth keeping.

    That is all. 🙂

    Oh, and I think you will have a great time this weekend. Just make yourself a cocktail and good girly times shall be had by all.

  4. Sweet Melissa, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’ve had similar friend problems that I chose not to post on my blog b/c I know a lot people read my it. And I’m horrible about confrontation. Blech.

    I feel like you should be able to vent on your blog. I’m sorry that things got misconstrued. You apologizing shows that you value the friendship. I heard a great quote yesterday –

    “Apologizing doesn’t mean you’re right or wrong, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego”

    Chin up, doll! Enjoy your weekend!!

  5. Katie says:

    Don’t beat yourself up about it. If you know you had the best of intentions AND you explained it and apologized, that’s all you can do. It would be different if you were intentionally hurting someone and didn’t care. You’re not, so you shouldn’t feel bad. I hope you all make mends and have a great weekend to move forward. Enjoy it!

  6. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a rough couple of days. I don’t want to sound mean…but screw friends who don’t want you to be 100% honest and 100% true to yourself. I know what the growing pains of finding yourself feels like…I’m going through it right now. You need love and support. I understand someone might be hurt but if they are your true friends then they will hear your side, understand you weren’t intentionally trying to hurt anyone, forgive you, and move on. You are an amazing person…please don’t forget that. Keep being honest and keep being you.

    P.S. Can you add me to your blog roll?

  7. bubblymel says:

    I hope you have a really good weekend! Don’t worry about what others make think of you, I can tell that you are an incredibly loving and caring person and if anyone thought that you were trying to hurt them, then they obviously don’t know you at all! It’s normal that even the closest of friends can get on your nerves at times. I get in trouble with two of my closest girlfriends for even mentioning that I did things with them on my blog!!! Sometimes others are never really going to understand why you write a blog and the reasons for it! But keep at it, I really love reading what you get up to and you wouldn’t want to disapoint your readers now would you!!! LOL!!
    Seriously I hope you have a really fun weekend, have a few cocktails and kick back and relax! xxxx

  8. I know exactly what you’re going through, have been going through, etc. You’re ok! 🙂 So proud of you and support you! Even though we dont know each other you have support! Have a great time this weekend and stay true to yourself! xoxo

Leave a reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s