I really liked my dinner tonight.
Oh, wait. That wasn’t dinner.
Yeah, this is the girl who doesn’t even like salmon saying she really liked this dinner. It was fantastic. I’m being 100% spoiled with my dad cooking dinner—Alaskan Coho salmon grilled with brown sugar and soy sauce? Veggies sautéed with red wine and garlic? Clos du Val cabernet? Seriously. They’ve gotta start serving mac ‘n cheese and boxed wine if they ever want me to move out!
Yep, it was yummy, my belly is full, and there’s a cozy fire to sit beside on this windy night. Hard to resist . . .
In other news, tonight I’ve decided to talk about something I rarely discuss on the blog.
A sort of follow up, if you will, to last week’s mention.
I was supposed to go on a blind date. Long story short, I sort of put it out there that I was looking for a date to the wedding I went to last weekend—you know, the one where I didn’t know anyone??—so I would have someone to hang out with. But then I realized that going with someone I don’t really know might be even more awkward than not knowing anyone, right? So I kind of let that go.
In the meantime, someone in my life was trying very hard to find me a date—and find she did! (Thanks, Mom!)
So after some technical difficulties, we facebooked and whatnot. But the whole time, I was feeling super hesitant about it. The whole thing just made me uncomfortable. I mean, what did I know about this dude? (<—just typed ‘dud.’ Freudian slip???) And did I really want to be on a first date at a wedding? Nope, not really. The wedding was looming, so I just told him that since I hadn’t heard back from him sooner, I had decided to go alone. Done deal. No biggie, right?
But then there was the suggestion of getting together for drinks. OK, I guess I could do that. Couldn’t hurt, right? Just drinks. I like drinking. I mean, I really like drinking. So I could go for a drink with this guy. And then I could go meet my friends for dinner. And it would be totally ok because there was an end point to the “drinks” and if it was awful, I had an out.
Alcohol makes everything OK
I agreed to drinks (via email, naturally, because that is oh-so-safe), mentioning that I was meeting friends for dinner later in the evening. To which he came back with something like, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had other plans. I was hoping we could talk without a time crunch. Maybe we should reschedule. Or maybe we could do drinks and then meet up again. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”
Too much. Too too too much for this crazy ass chick who isn’t even sure she wants to go out with you to begin with. If I were comfortable with anything but just drinks, I WOULD HAVE SAID SO!!!
Commence total freak out. And feeling overwhelmed. And pressured.
When it starts feeling anything but fun, it’s time to call it off. I mean, if a date induces that much anxiety, you probably shouldn’t go, right??? RIGHT????
So I called it off. Like a total coward. But I wasn’t feeling it. And then there was pressure. And I really really hate pressure. Pretty much any time someone tells me I have to do something, I’m out. Nope, not gonna do it. Digging in my heels. Zero budge opportunity.
Oh HAYLL no!
It’s not that I’m not willing to date. Or that I’m saying I won’t ever again (at least not today . . . ). But I do get to choose. I get to decide if and when I’m comfortable. Who and how if the opportunity presents itself. For now, I’m dating her:
She’s cute, right? And she likes the same things I do. Like wine. And running. And wine. And frosting. So we’re taking things slow and enjoying each other’s company.
Do I want to be alone when I’m 70? No, not really. But right now, I just want to be. Alone or not, when it’s right, it will come. If I’ve learned anything in my 31 years, it’s that anytime you try to force it, anytime you’re not ready, anytime something feels off, it’s not right.
I like me—finally. Finally. And that’s kind of a fragile thing at the moment. So I’m not going to give anyone the opportunity to upset that until I feel really secure in that.
Are you single? Have you ever been for any extended period of time? How did you handle it?
If you’re in a relationship, aren’t you glad you’re not me right now?