When I was in college, I was a counselor at a summer day camp in Ann Arbor. In our daily routine, we would play and do crafts in the morning, then go on a field trip somewhere around town, head to the park for lunch, and then to the pool for the afternoon. By the end of the day when we finally made it back to the child care center, most of the kids were pretty wiped out.
One little girl, Hannah, had a bright white towhead and a speech impediment reminiscent of a Boston accent. She was darling. But at the end of the day, little Hannah had had enough. Occasionally, she would have a total meltdown, crying and saying, “System overload!!!”
That was me this weekend.
Saturday was moving day. Which should be exciting, right? I mean, I got a great new job, was able to move back to Michigan to be near my family and friends here, and found a fantastic place to live. I should be happy!
Instead, I had a total meltdown.
Yep, all the changes that have gone on in the last 3 months have been positive, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t been a little tough. Even when it’s good, change is hard.
This weekend marked the final leg of the change marathon I’ve been running since July. It’s been a long haul, and even though I’m in the home stretch, I totally fell apart yesterday. There was no method to my madness, simply a chain reaction sort of freak out that went something like this:
Let’s go to Home Goods and pick out things for my new place!
I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to decorating. Can’t I just buy all seasonal décor?
I’ll just get a cookie jar.
Maybe I’ll have more ideas when I put my furniture in the space.
My furniture got totally banged up in the POD—it’s brand new and now it looks like crap.
I don’t even know where to begin at this place.
It’s been cleaned multiple times and it’s still dirty.
There’s a distinct cat smell in here.
What was I thinking moving into such a big place—this is way too much space for me.
I don’t even have a work space, and I have to work from home. How am I ever going to get anything done?? I need to get office furniture.
I don’t even have a friend I want to call to go shopping with me.
I don’t fit here—I don’t fit anywhere. All of my friends are married, they have kids, and I have no one!!!!!!
And so on.
That’s how that went. Thank God my parents were there to
tie my straight jacket and put me in a padded room help me get settled. Otherwise, I would probably have ended up in someone’s bushes, a la Anne Heche.
Basically, I’m just overwhelmed. And thinking about it, it makes sense. Let’s look at the last few months.
First, I started a new job which was a complete departure from my previous career. It’s a great job, and I really do love it, but it has been a huge change.
Then, there’s the move. I did want to move back to Michigan to be closer to family and friends, and ultimately, I think it was the right thing to do. But, I do miss Richmond.
Mostly, I miss what’s in that picture above. Not the houses, but the bright blue sky and mild temperatures. Oh, and these guys.
Now that I’m back in Michigan, it’s great having so many friends close by, and I love being able to see my family all the time. But, I don’t feel like I’m as close to anyone here as I was to Danielle in Richmond. And maybe that’s just a result of being away for so long. I will probably have to work harder at developing my friendships again, but I’ve realized that I don’t have very much in common with a lot of my friends here anymore. I wasn’t expecting that, although I think I knew it all along. I’m sure I’ll figure it out, but it kind of hit me all at once over the weekend.
And then there’s this.
I know it’s going to be fine living here, but it is a lot more space than I’m used to. It feels like it’s a huge job to take on by myself. I know I can do it. I will do it. But I kind of realized that I don’t want to do all this stuff by myself forever and ever. Yep, I’m still freaked out by the whole dating thing because some jerk screwed me up, but I know it does have to happen eventually if I don’t want to be alone when I’m 70.
In the meantime, I have realized that I am pretty awesome. And maybe jerk face didn’t think so, but someone else will. Just the fact that I’ve finally started to believe it again is a step in the right direction, no?
So, yes, this weekend I fell apart a little. But not all the way. I haven’t had a bad day like that in a long time, and I don’t feel like I’m in such a bad place that I won’t bounce right back. I’ll get there. Attitude is everything, right?