Douchebag.com

On Saturday morning, the windchill was -2*. I don’t know what kind of nonsense that is, but it resulted in a 12 mile run on the treadmill for me.

Ihearttreadmill

Thank you, treadmill, for being there for me. Those 12 miles would not have happened otherwise.

While I felt pretty awesome on my run, my stomach was a little off. Not enough to cause serious trouble, but enough to make me want to hurl while this chick roasted a mango on Food Network.

Aarti Party Feature

I had to switch over to the news or something during her show. Which bored me to tears and led me to an internal discussion with myself about how Food Network has really gone downhill (yes, I actually think about these things). I mean, I used to watch it every Saturday morning and the chefs were all making things I would actually eat with ingredients I could find in a real grocery store. And now?

Aarti

I also made friends with an older man runner who was 2 treadmills down. And then I was sad I broke my rule about never ever speaking to anyone at the gym because he was chatty, and I wanted to put my headphones in and zone out. Eventually, I did. Rude? Eh. Just doin’ my thang.

Fortunately, I felt great the entire run, and aside from being grossed out by FN and feeling a little queasy, I had no complaints. The one good thing about the treadmill is that you can force yourself to stick to a certain pace–I always run too fast when I’m left to my own devices, so it was good to just maintain.

And while I missed my yoga yesterday, I did do a 3 mile recovery run. My running buddy was at the gym at the same time I was again . . . awwwwwkward . . .

Not really, though. I smiled and nodded and answered just one question (hello!? I have my headphones in!!!) and got down to business.

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Friday night, I went on a secret date. It wasn’t purposely secret, but I didn’t end up telling anyone about it, which was probably a bad idea, since the dude could have been an axe murderer and no one would have been looking for me, but whatever. Not my smartest moment.

So I’m not longer on match because, well.

Matchcom

Yeah.

But I had emailed and texted (BTW how impossible is it to say “texted?” I struggle.) with one guy and then it just kind of fizzled out around the holidays. No biggie. Wasn’t that interested anyway. But, in a last-ditch effort to save myself from being an old, unwashed woman with 20 dogs who lets them eat popcorn out of her mouth, I figured I’d give one last match guy a shot.

So.

I met him at a local bar in downtown Ann Arbor where they make their own beer. Since he moved here recently, I thought that would be kind of a cool place to go–see what a good date I am??? Well, from moment one, he was painfully awkward. First, he did this strange one-finger tap on my shoulder when he came in. Forgivable. First dates/meetings are awkward by nature.

But while the guy was attractive enough, he smelled like he kind of needed a shower but tried to cover with deodorant and cologne instead. And no, I did not hug him. I could smell it from a distance.

YouSmellLikeButt

Hmmmm. I thought at first that it was just me, but the guy definitely had something pungent going on. But, I’m there, I’ve got to have at least one beer with the guy, right? We start chatting about what he does which turns out to be working in a lab and experimenting on rats, which he then proceeds to promise me are sweet and cuddly and that I would love one as a pet.

Wrongtree

Not only was I not buying that, but it made the smell on him all that much less attractive.

Thank the Lord I discovered that he, too, is training for his first marathon. Phew.

Lookin awesome

We chatted for a while about our respective training plans, and I secretly laughed at him for thinking that he can run a 3:05 for his first one. Sorry. I’m mean. Maybe he has some sort of innate running ability that I’m unaware of. He also educated me on the salaries of post-grad lab students (low), the number of friends he’s made since he moved here (few), and his cable TV subscription (none).

Cool. Sold. When’s our next date???

Notactuallyfunny

Then I came home and this cute face went buck wild, puppy nipping the crap out of my hands and arms and then peeing and pooping everywhere. Awesome Friday night.

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{OK, she is pretty sweet and innocent.}

Tonight, I’m going to a good form running clinic at a local personal training studio. I found out about it through my running group (that I don’t go to any more because it’s freezing outside), and it’s only $5, so why not, right? Hopefully, I’ll get some good tips to share. Or maybe, I’ll, you know, meet a normal dude . . . it just may be cold enough outside for hell to freeze over before the class . . .

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24 thoughts on “Douchebag.com

  1. I think a running group may be a better place to meet a guy. I’m bummed he was such a creeper though AND that you didn’t text me any outfit pics *ahem*.

    P.S. I think I’m breaking up with wine for a while. And by wine I mean alcohol. And by a while I mean til Friday.

  2. Oh Lady, you so make me laugh! Where do you find these dudes?! No more match.com for you. You are too smart, beautiful, and funny for these losers! I’ve had my share (in fact way too many to count) of bad dates. The time where I was taken to Old Country Buffet comes to mind. True (miserable) story.

    And yes, it was oh so cold Sat. I ran outside and I am still not thawed out! Yowza!

  3. Jessica says:

    Lol, first dates are always fun to read about! I gave match.com a shot for one month, went on 4-5 first dates, and can now say I’ve tried it and will probably not do it again.

    Good job on the 12-mile treadmill run! That’s the longest I’ve ever been on a treadmill (just last last weekend) and the boredom was almost unbearable!! But yes, thank you to the treadmill because I did need my last long run before my half and it wasn’t going to happen outside with the thunderstorming.

  4. Mila @ loftyappetite says:

    Haha that’s a funny story! But you know as disappointing as those dates can be, like anything, you can’t expect to meet your future husband on the 2nd try! Don’t soley focus on online dating (your running club sounds great!) but also don’t dismiss it completely either! Maybe a different site? I know 2 couples that met on eharmony. I look forward to hearing about your experiences! Don’t be so hard on yourself and just have fun 🙂

  5. Hopefully the rat tester isn’t at the running clinic. I don’t think I could ever eat food he’s touched or made. I’d always be thinking of rats. Anyway, laughed out loud at the popcorn in the mouth thing. Well, done.

    I read this thing about dinnerdate.com or something like that. Did I tell you this already? It’s a dating site where a group goes out so the first date isn’t awkward. Sounded appealing and I’m married, so yeah, there’s that.

  6. I also had to do my 12 miler this Saturday on the treadmill! Although I had to do it in the gym, and all the TVs went blank 30 minutes in… awesome. And online dating can be seriously hit or miss… I’ve met so many people though who it’s worked for! Maybe worth a few more shots?

  7. Oh my god haha…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh, but the way you describe this man is hysterical! I would have been freaked out by the smell and the whole rat thing. No thank you. Glad you have a cute little cuddle buddy to come home to after that!

  8. Chrissy says:

    Although I’m very sorry you had to spend time with the smelly guy, it made for a very entertaining blog post! I even read it outloud for my dad haha. Sending luck your way for meeting a normal guy soon!!!!

  9. Ooo, sorry about your stinky date. At least he’s a runner… hmm. (trying to find other cool things to say about him). You know that you must now results-stalk him when he runs his marathon to see if he really did a 3:05.

    On the other hand, great job banging out those miles! We’ve been lucky to have such decent weather this winter except, of course, on the weekend!

  10. I think you have something there with that Douchebag.com. I think you could market it and make the big bucks!! You are funny. And not mean. The end.

  11. LOVE this story!! I’ve tried eharmony before and he was way awkward. I’m still riding it out because I paid for a few months and I’m not one to waste, but I was pretty eh after that one guy. Good luck dating! And I’m glad you had your sweet puppy to cheer Ypu up!

  12. Nick Shunto says:

    3:05 isn’t that fast. just do huge huge miles. Slow miles. keep building up. Doubles and mid week medium LRs. Don’t worry about pace. Throw away the watch if you’re racing the LRs and stop eating gooey crap during your runs. Creep up to 80-100 miles/week peaking 3-4 weeks out and you’ll own the race.
    ps – some revisionist history and hyperbole up there but I’m cool with it.

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