Adventures in Juice Cleansing

Hey friends! Checking in on a Monday about 10 hours and 4 miles into a juice cleanse. I am not happy.

hangryI bought a deal for a juice cleanse back in January pre-Trinidad and post-holiday gluttony. At the time, detoxing and shedding the Christmas cookies installed in the form of love handles sounded like a fab idea before hopping into my bikini. The voucher for the cleanse was about to expire, and I’d rather be miserable and angry than waste money, so here we are.

tumblr_mdem5a3jzQ1rrn4vvI’m one large-ish mini jug (wha???) of coconut water and 2 green juices deep. But it’s actually not just the not eating that’s causing the problem. Or not the bulk of the problem, anyway. No. It’s the lack of coffee.

morning coffeeMy friend walked into my office around noon and immediately asked if I was ok because I looked so out of it. I was actually dizzy and lightheaded. Awesome. This juice cleanse thing is shaping up to be a super-fab idea so far!

OK, so aside from the dizziness, lightheadedness, and being generally unhappy, I’ve also noticed that I can barely form a coherent thought. Productivity today? Not so great. I attempted to write a somewhat lengthy email earlier and wound up sending it to a coworker for edits because I just didn’t trust my ability to do anything error-free. Truthfully, I’ve re-read this blog post, and I’m still not sure what it says. In addition, I’m freezing. Like, more freezing than usual. It’s the best day ever.

tumblr_mb1k47a8PX1rq0hnmThis is a 3-day cleanse, and I get that the first 2 days are the hardest, but that’s, like, the majority of the cleanse. So that means that the whole thing is basically going to suck. At this point, I’m only still doing it out of stubbornness. Smart money says I give in and eat real food before tomorrow. I’m all for cleaning out my system, but I also need to be able to function. And the fact that the motion activated overhead light in my office keeps turning off as a result of my sedentary behavior today is a good indicator that I’m not functioning all that well.

Also: Apple and kale juice is just as disgusting as you might surmise. Apple and celery is a close second.



12 thoughts on “Adventures in Juice Cleansing

  1. Ali says:

    I went through a similarly dreadful cleanse awhile back. All I can say is NEVER AGAIN! Have you heard of the lemon cleanse? So awful. OK, well, actually it was kind of amazing in terms of the end result but I think while it’s getting the toxins out you literally start to feel like you’re dying. I was so low energy and light headed it was horrible. I didn’t know what I was saying for the first few days so I can totally relate to your desire to have someone proofread your work email. You’ll get through it and hopefully reap the amazing rewards of all the sacrifice.

    P.S. – I love kale like it’s nobody’s business but the thought of combining it was just apple juice… just the thought of doing that… is making me want to hurl right now. Sorry, it had to be said. 😦

  2. HMMMmmm. Remember when I was all, “man, I really want to do a juice cleanse!” This is making me second guess it. Thanks for being my Guinea Pig 😉 But seriously, I hope it gets better!!!

  3. Jill says:

    You crack me up. I am kind of glad that you did not manage the cleanse as I kind of see you as super human. I had a co-worker whose wife was preparing these juices (I think she was trying to kill him) I had this beet juice and immediately felt like I had been poisoned!! If that’s what it means to be “cleansed” I’d rather be dirty!! 🙂

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